“Yes, but ” takes on many forms.
There is the smiling “Yes, but” of those dear beings who nod and smile, charmingly non-committal. They would never say “Yes, but” but they are – with a smile.
There is the “Yes, but” discusser. He says “Yes, but” to you by presenting you with brilliant academic references and mental gymnastics in discussion. He will agree with everything said by everybody, throwing in phrases like “You must understand my position…” or “In this case I would – however….”
There are the attentive “Yes, butters” who hang on every word being told them and end by assuring the councillor that of course every word is true – and when they have managed to sort out their own situations it is exactly what they will do!
There are the non-attentive “Yes, butters”. Their buttresses are so tall they block out much sound from the outer world and they simply glaze over or say, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that” or “I don’t understand – please explain some more”
“Yes, butters” come in many different disguises, but are reasonably easy to unmask.
I have now learned that the moment a client or person says “Yes, but” in any of its disguises, I pull back. “Yes, but “is a power game played by beings who have no intention of re-vamping any part of their illness or lives until it becomes too uncomfortable to bear. They are simply making a token action of seeing someone and taking their energy and attention to boot! They waste their money and the therapist’s time.
“Yes, but” indicates that the time is not right.
The friend who told me about “Yes, but” also told me a gem of a way to handle the situation. You simply say (with sincere and genuine compassion) “Well, I am truly sorry I can’t help you. I am here if you ever need me again. Maybe I will be able to give you the right solution another time.”
Continued in Yes but…..3…..